Last summer I met this guy. It was during the summer and while I'm a romantic at heart, I was just looking for good times with (let’s call him Pete.) Pete and I really hit it off from the second we met. We spent a lot of time together and I started staying at his house more and more, while maintaining a "just hanging out and hooking up" attitude. It was fine. Then he started throwing me these hints that he was really interested. Fine. I was okay with that. We got along great, he made me laugh and we (ah hem) meshed well in bed. He was adventurous and I spent most of my summer doing some kind of water sport or really rugged activity, which was a side of me that I hadn't seen in a while. So we talked about how we wanted to take things further. I thought we were on the same page but then I realized it wasn't trekking along. He didn't take me out on dates and we always hung out at his place. It just wasn't appealing to me anymore and I was upset because I really liked him and definitely didn't want to stop speaking to him but I just couldn't deal with the mixed signals and faint answers to the "where is this going?" question. So I cut the cord and moved along. Occasionally I would get a text from him trying to get me to reconcile but at that point I was just over it. As much as I wanted to see him and be with him, I knew better. I just wanted to be courted (something that doesn't exist much these days-but it's still around) and just have him invest some energy into being with me. He wanted to be with me but not 100%.

Fast forward a nice amount of months. I get a random text from him simply asking how I was and what was new and how we hadn't talked in ages. So we caught up via text for weeks. He mentioned hanging out so I suggested a reunion with the group of friends that we spent time with the previous summer. He loved the idea and I loved it because it wouldn't be just he and I. I wouldn't be hinting that just he and I should catch up because I didn't want to go to that uncertain "what are we?" place ever again. So I setup a reunion and we all went out quadding in the woods (something we all used to do regularly during that hot lustful summer.)  Somehow he and I ended up in a big field under the stars, just the two of us. We laid down in the grass (I know this sounds like a cheesy romance novel but yes...this did really happen) and he pulled me close and we kissed. It wasn't that I got caught up in the romantic moment; it was that I was happy to see him and be with him. I hadn't been held in a while or kissed and my heart pitter pattered.) During out kissing session I suddenly came to my senses and sat up over him and said

"Pete. What do you want from me? We're out here and you have contacted me on and off for the past few months and I need to know what it is you want from me!"

To which he replied "If you haven't figured out by now that I really like you and have feelings for you then I don’t know what else to say."

And then I can't remember how the conversation went but we pretty much came to an agreement that we needed to start over and hang out and just see where it would go. Then we stood up ( we needed to get back because we were in charge of building a camp fire) and before getting back onto the quad  he turned me around pushed my hair back (the wind was blowing it right in my face) and kissed me. It was one of the most romantic kisses/moments I've ever had.

Fast forward to now. He and I have been hanging out when we can (our schedules are opposite) but our recent problem has been that I'm not affectionate enough with him. I used to be the ultimate romantic until I got burned two times in a row and now I'm trying to bounce back with walls guarding me. I told him he needs to understand and so far he's been understanding. Yet, this is the kicker...sill no official date. Shame on me? Definitely. I guess I just figure since we're taking it super slow that’s a possibility. In reality that’s a lame excuse. I'm making for him. And as a type this (literally I just got this text) from him that said "what do you want to do tomorrow?" because we're supposed to hang out. COULD IT BE? Was that...a hint of a date? That could potentially change everything. I guess stay tuned.

Should I kick him to the curb if he doesn't try a little harder? What does this all mean? Ahh.

I have yet to still find myself but every now and then I really think about who I am as a person. What I like and what I don't. What I will tolerate and what I won't put up with. I have mini epiphanies from time to time and its a chance to check in with myself and see where I'm at in my life. This is what I've recently come up with:

I find a strange peace when I cook. I've always liked to cook but recently its become an escape for me. I put on my apron and suddenly I feel better. I'm in total control and my mind breaks free from all the chaos that builds up in my head. There's no real system to cooking and its not always precise and thats what I love about it. I like to play Frank Sinatra when I cook (I'm not sure why) I guess because there's something in his voice that makes me feel at home. I love that when its all done I feel a sense of accomplishment that I made something.

I ran into the super market for two things the other night-cookies and beer. Odd combination I know. The cookies (mint grasshoppers) were for me and the beer was for my younger brother. There were all senior citizens on each of the self express check out machines. I know this is going to sound so awful and mean but there should be a sign that says "55 and over-please do not use these machines." If they had just gone to a regular register they would have been out quicker. Between them not being able to read the screen to fumbling with the items to find the bar codes...its just not fair to people who want to get in and out. Then they have problems with sliding the credit card and signing the pin pad. Honestly...I know its messed up but I've completely come to terms with this being one of my pet peeves.

I am so totally okay with being in love with my cats (all three of them). I don't even care if people think I might become the crazy cat lady. They make me laugh and though they aren't too keen on cuddling with me (yet...I'm working on it) I am so mad about them. When your a pet lover you really understand an animals love. I mean with cats its all about them. Everything is on their terms like when they want affection or don't. I think thats why I love them-they're independent.

One of the things I absolutely love about my best friend is that she takes open minded and whatever the world hands her she explores it and takes advantage of it. I tend to sometimes doom things before they even happen. Sometimes I don't give things a try when I should. It's with many aspects of my life-especially my love life...well what used to be my love life...since I don't have much of one right now. My best friend dreaded going out on this first date with a guy and she ended up dragging me to make it more of a social thing. She didn't picture herself with her now boyfriend but she was open minded and gave it a try and now their in love. I need to be more like that.

I was in the car with my mom the other day and I was talking to her about my internship and I was telling her how excited but nervous I am about it . She told me not to get caught up in that world and loose myself and my character. It's something I had thought about myself before my mom brought it up to me. I think I'm afraid of becoming a snob even though I'm positive I won't. I know that sounds ridiculous but its really easy to loose sight of who you are when your in an industry like that. I've seen it happen with someone close to me and I don't want it to happen with me. I'll need my family to put me in my place if I for one second get out of line. I'll need to remind myself of who I am and where I come from. Nevertheless, it's still a little bit of a fear.

I no longer think of myself as crazy when I talk about future wedding plans-even though I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't care that I found a great location already and grabbed a brochure while I was there. I don't care that I sometimes scope out wedding dresses online when I'm bored. I like to think I'm just "getting an idea." So what. A girl can dream and thats what I call it-dreaming.

Which pretty much wraps everything up. Those are bits and pieces of who I am . Those are things that can either be accepted about me or not but those are things I cannot and will not change and honestly I'm so completely okay with that.